Letter To My Son

This is a letter to my son. The boy who I feel like I abandoned two years ago when I put him into care. Please don’t judge me for my actions. I didn’t have a choice because I couldn’t look after him. He needed too much care and attention. It wasn’t his fault but it also wasn’t mine. Anyway, please don’t read on if you’re going to judge me. 

To my darling son,

I miss you more than words can say. I want you to know how sorry I am for not being able to give you the life that you deserve. I’m sorry that you were born in need of the constant care of a disability service provider. I wish that things had been done differently during my pregnancy, but I’ve been told time and time again that my actions wouldn’t have made a difference. It doesn’t make me feel any better though.

I want to know how you’re doing and if you’re okay. It’s been too hard to visit you because I feel so guilty at the fact that this is how your life turned out. But I call the nurse who looks after you every week and I keep up to date on everything you’re doing. By all accounts, you sound like you’re doing well. It sounds like sending you to a community nursing facility in Adelaide was one of the best things I could have done for you. I’m glad you have people around who can care about you. They wouldn’t be capable of loving you as much as I love you, but I’m sure they care for you better than I ever could have. I just want the best for you.

I hope that one day I’ll be able to come and visit you. I want to be able to see you and see who you’ve grown up to be. I wonder if you’re what I imagine.