Is there anything better than freshly caught seafood? Well… maybe there’s one thing. You have to promise not to make fun of me for saying this, though. I couldn’t handle being the guy who went viral over something like this. I’ll just come out and say it: I like the taste of boats.

The taste of boats, you ask? Isn’t it just, like, metallic? It’s not quite that simple. Boats have a very specific flavour, somewhere between stainless steel and algae, lightly salted and with just a touch of fishiness. It’s divine, and better than anything you could hope to be served at even the most high-end seafood restaurant. The freshest of catches have got nothing on the complexity and delicacy of a well-matured anchor winch.

Each boat has their own flavour, too. There’s a big difference between, say, cruise ship and a small fishing vessel. I guess the steel composition is different, or the specific techniques used by individual marine fabricators. My preference is for the smaller vessels – I find the nuances of the flavour to be more discernible, although I do like the hearty follow-through of a good ocean liner.

What I really can’t go past is a custom bow rail on a nice, small to mid-sized motorboat. The problem with these is that the owner is usually there with you, and is likely to notice if you’re sitting there slobbering on their new railing like you haven’t eaten for a week. I’ll usually go in for a surreptitious lick, but it’s not very satisfying. You’ve got to really chow down on it to get the full flavour profile.

Does it hurt my teeth, you ask? Well, I don’t actually eat boats. What do you take me for? I just like to have the taste in my gob. It’s totally harmless. If I was somehow managing to bite chunks of metal off passing boats, I’m sure my digestive system would have something to say about it, along with the owners of said boats. Destroying property, or my body for that matter, is simply not my bag.